TO WITNESS AND HOLD

“Just as the warmth of summer can make a cricket sing, the quality of being held enlivens the heart.”

~ Anonymous

We have been battered by modern times into obsessive problem solvers, but as life pares us down into only what is essential, it becomes clear that the deepest of sufferings of heart and spirit cannot be solved, only witnessed and held.

I have struggled with this constantly. Just recently, after being away for two weeks, I returned to a tender partner who lovingly uttered, “I really missed you.” Instantly, I reacted by scanning for ways to solve the feeling - to limit my travel or call more often. I instantly tried to change my patterns of being away from the relationship, rather than just feel the poignancy of being loved enough to be missed.

Frequently, this reflex to solve, rescue, and fix removes us from the tenderness at hand. For often, intimacy arises not from any attempt to take the pain away, but from a living through together; not from a working out, but from a being with. Trust and closeness deepen from holding and being held, both emotionally and physically.

I’m learning, pain by pain and tension by tension, that after all my strategies fail, the strength of love waits in receiving and not negotiating; in accepting each other and not problem solving each other; in listening and affirming each other; not trying to change or fix those we love.

~ Sit quietly and bring to mind the situation of a friend or loved one that you would like to change.

~ Breathe deeply and accept that you cannot live their life for them.

~ Instead, exhale slowly and be with your heart’s knowledge of what it means to love this person.

~ Exhale cleanly and release you want to fix their pain.

~ Inhale cleanly and simply hold them, pain and all, in your center.

The Book of Awakening

~ Mark Nepo